Expectant (8)
On hating the pregnancy game, the motherbaby, the 20-week ultrasound, and baby names
I have something to admit: I hate being pregnant. It sucks. The relentless nausea and vomiting has eased significantly (still here though) and I can’t walk around without being in pain (I demand to know who came up with the pregnancy term “lightening crotch”). For four months I wasn’t able to drive myself places reliably due to the vomiting. Then, I got covid (absolutely brutal when pregnant), then a stomach bug from the family dogs (thankfully only a short bout). I’m not trying to wallow, though, because I don’t really find that useful for me. And, I’m not writing this to deter people from carrying a pregnancy. I’m still very happy that I’m pregnant, but I hate the experience.
The demands pregnancy has made on my body have been entirely different to my experience with chronic illness. I’m used to my body suddenly saying no, but pregnancy is a different kind of no. It’s a no with another life attached to it. It’s a much more urgent command of “don’t do this,” there are two bodies to consider now. It’s a more ancient, more powerful command than even chronic illness can pull off. I think here of Rachel Cusk’s discussion of the motherbaby:
“I read somewhere that it is inappropriate to refer to a mother and her newborn child as two separate beings: they are one, a composite creature best referred to as mother-and-baby or perhaps motherbaby. I find this claim unnerving, even threatening, in spite of the fact that it perfectly describes the profound change in the co-ordinates of my being that I experience in the days and weeks after my daughter’s birth.” (Rachel Cusk, A Life’s Work: On Becoming a Mother)
Cusk discusses this composite experience after the baby is born, but I also would locate this experience throughout pregnancy. I’m sure it strengthens further once the baby is out of my body, but still needing my body to live.
Other news
Last week we had the 20-week ultrasound/anatomy scan. Here’s a scan of our cute baby! I think its profile is adorable.
Around that same time, I began to feel the baby kick. It feels like little muscle spasms and it makes me happy to know the baby is active and developing.
Baby names!
Baby names (most likely contenders)
Esther Jareth Douglas
Jack Lorne Douglas
Rejected names (but who knows, we could circle back this these)!
Rygel
Nemmie
Arthur
What baby names do you like in general?